"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood"

I'm terrible with this whole blogging thing. I've never been very good with things that require some level of consistancy. I always tend to forget or get lazy and things never get done or updated until I stumble on them months and months later. And you'd think, given all the things I have to write about, I'd be itching to get everything down, but time has gotten away from me so often over the past few days. It's enough to drive me mad.

I've been treking to Orion. You'd be suprised how far it is from Berry's house to the facility. It's one of those weird things where, it doesn't LOOK quite so far away but it takes FOREVER to get there. By foot anyway. I can't drive so it seemed fairly pointless trying to use one of Berry's familys cars to get anywhere. I mean, it looks easy enough, but it's also easy enough to get yourself killed or drive off a cliff or into a wall or a building or something. So cars = big no no. It's kind of cool all this walking. I'm seeing parts of the city I didn't no existed and weird stalker guy, who has asked me to refer to him as P, until I remember his name (What the!?). So he is now P, but weird all the same. I asked him if his name began with P and if he'd been at Esana's last 'OOF' (Out of Facility) party, which would explain why I couldn't remember his name (haha). He said maybe. And no. And then continued walking, humming to himself. He always walks in front or behind me. I don't know why. If he ever strays in front he stops or runs back until he's found one of his 'spots' and then he'll continue on again.

It's been good to have someone to talk to though, even if it's someone who practically always talks in riddles and doesn't really say much that makes sense. So, conversation is out, but just hearing someone elses voice is pretty comforting. The city is pretty desolate. At first I thought the gas storm had sent everyone packing, but now it turns out that most people are staying in their homes and for anyone who no longer has one, big communal shelters have been set up in the community centres and conference rooms/buildings around here.

Saw something funny the other day. A whole busload of people were taken away from the city towards Orion. I was sitting pretty in one of the shelters for a while, which I've been trying to do if I can find one, it's safe than spending the night outside. There's still looters about and it seems as though just about everybody in the city has stumbled across their criminal side. People arn't particularly nice in situations like this. But this bus right, there was someone from the facility inside. She read out names and people were taken away.....and then returned that same afternoon, not so long after they left. I thought maybe they were being taken for medicals or something? I mean, the Orion LOOKS big enough to house most of the city, but I guess with all the equipment and work space in there, there may not be enough room. It's nice to see that they're doing what they can though. I didn't get the chance to ask anyone what had happened there. I was walking away from the shelter when the bus was heading in. It's a shame. I would have liked to know what was going on there...found out if there was another way in. I don't think I'll be able to just waltz up to the door.

Having P along has been pretty useful. I'm not going to lie....I seem to have a habit of getting myself into trouble. Into situations that I generally shouldn't come out of alive. There were a group of guys a few days ago...yeah. People are desperate in these sorts of circumstances and I had a few gadgets and things, good food, clean water. I would have shared, quite happily but clearly they weren't all for it. I don't know exactly what happened next but there was a yell and a hellishly bright light. When I next looked, they were unconcious. I think it was P, even though he's been denying it ever since it happened. I'm starting to find what happened the first time I saw him, even more believable. And I'm starting to think that maybe I should have listened to Berry more. I've had a lot of time to think.

to make the skies align with serpentine

It's almost scary, the fact that it's almost pretty in a way. How anything toxic can be considered pretty, I don't know. But I'm keeping my mask on, even though Mr Stalker dude is laughing at me. He's not wearing a mask. He keeps telling me to stop being stupid and take mine off, but I told him that if I took it off I wouldn't be able to breathe.

He just roles his eyes at me when I try to explain.

Berry's gone. And it's funny, because I'm not feeling as ridiculously miserable as I thought I would be. I don't know, even I can say it's weird. He didn't leave a note or anything. He just left and I'm feeling pretty blank about it all. I can't describe how I'm feeling because it's almost as if there's nothing there. He told me to expect this though, so maybe that's what this is? Maybe I got so used to the idea that I just, adjusted. Maybe I've become acclimatised to disappointment, rejection and abandonment. Strong words yeah? Yeah. It's weird that I use those words because I don't really mean them. But I do! I'm so angry! Why aren't I good enough for anyone lately?

And I miss him. I know that much. I miss him and I love him just as much as I did a couple of days ago. I wish I could tell him. I mean, I've been telling 'him' but I'd really prefer to tell him. He's been replaced to. He's just as full of life as my 'parents.'

So everyone I know and love is slowly disappearing and I don't know where. Why can't I go too? I don't know that either. Have I done something wrong? Is this what hell is? Don't get me wrong, not big on all that sort of stuff, but maybe that's what heaven and hell are. Like, hell isn't actually a place...it's just getting left behind. Which I think is even worse than fire and brimstone...

There's a man standing at the other end of the yard......no, it's a man. It's THE man. From the other day? Great. A fake friend, lost parents and a stalker. I get all the fun stuff. Lucky, lucky Angie. I wish I could write more...but I have no idea what to put down. Everything seems pretty pointless and stupid and it's driving me crazy.

“Private information is practically the source of every large modern fortune.”

Today everything went on as usual. My mother went to work this morning, my father headed to the roof with a whole armful of papers he seemed to have gathered up at random. We ate breakfast together this morning and it was mechanical. Not as in THEY were mechanical - I'm pretty sure I haven't been gifted with the perfect robot family - but as in everyone was just going through the motions of the morning. There was no spontaneity. Nothing. It all just happened.

The Network's full functional this morning. All systems are go and it looks like another gas free day! Or half day anyway. It seems to be coming and going a lot more than usual these days. Scientists have been trying to find a way to pinpoint how and when it will arrive, so they can produce some sort of early warning system. But that's not how the gas works. It comes and goes as it pleases, it's not like the weather, it can't be predicted. I know that. We all know that. And they'd know it to if they just asked us. Sometimes it's almost as if it's alive. Looking down on us as it kills off our kin...

That, admittedly was a bit dark.

I got an interesting email today, from one of the people I emailed looking for Berry. He said that they'd had an interesting conversation with someone masquerading as 'me' on my email. I read through the conversation and it's a bit crazy. Ok, a 'bit' is an understatement....someone's lost a few screws somewhere or something. Let me assure you now - I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. And I'm a bit ticked off with the idea that someone has access to my messages. I'ts a complete invasion of my privacy and I've had just about enough of invasions over the past few days. First someone invades my home and now it's as if they're trying to invade all the other parts of my life aswell.

The thing that's got me is that whoever it was said I wasn't able to get my answers yet. WHEN THEN? I just want to know what's going in MY LIFE. Yes. MINE. I wish whoever it was that decided to mess with it, could understand that. I'm waiting for all this to end. Or for someone to come and rescue me. But I stopped believing in fairy tales when I was 7 because none of them were realistically possible.
So there'll be no white horses for Angie I guess.

“Into each life some rain must fall.”

http://www.zshare.net/audio/6595387881faa0aa/

EMAIL FROM BERRY!!!!

Angie? Did it ever occur to you that the network was behaving like a 2
yr old and had you tried to contact anybody else you would have had the same
result? Unless you were trying to get onto Luise, in which case of course you
would have caught her because she's in the same building and blah blah blah...I
DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN THE SPECIFICS.

What's going on with you anyway? I took a look at your blog....I'm sure
your parents are fine. Hell, maybe the went out last night and got lives? I wish
my parents would follow in their foot steps if that's the case. There IS life
outside science! But you try telling them that...

Look, I'll try and call you as soon as the network allows.

Hoping this gets through to you..

Sit tight. And never be afraid to look down.

Boysenberry.

(this was in white at the bottom!)

“Secrets are made to be found out with time.”

Have you noticed that when you're upset or feeling ill it takes so much longer to eat? You have to chew an extra thousand times just to result in something you can actually swallow. And even then the food just sort of sits like a lump in the back of your throat until eventually it slides down and becomes another lump in the pit of your stomach. I feel lumpy. I was going to go outside earlier and get some fresh air, (HA), but I lack the motivation to do much of anything right now.

Mum made me some breakfast.

Yes.

My mother is home. So's my father. They're both home. THEY have a day off. It's not the weekend or anything, they just have...a day off. Thats unusual. Whats more unusual is that I would have thought, given my parents ARE back and everything, I'd be happy. But I'm not. I feel sicker than I did before and I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. I must be going mad. I feel a bit feverish, I think i've over done it with the whole 'not sleeping' thing. Mum came in and made me take some pills earlier, I have a headache. I'm feeling a little better but still very tired. Mum and Dad haven't offered any explanation as to why they were both MIA last night. And when I asked Dad about the letter, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about. I'm trying NOT to worry.

I haven't shown it to him. I considered it. But something's been telling me not to. Something or someone. My instincts or my consience or something is screaming at me that there's something up but considering we never talk that much to begin with I'm finding it hard to take in. There's been a communication breakdown somewhere along the line and I'm finding it hard to trust myself. To trust me. MYself. And I. Perhaps thats what yesterday was. My subconcious telling me to trust my instincts. To be my own guide and all that nonsense. Or like Dad referred to it, 'Write my own story.' I don't know what's going on though. I don't know whether I'm in the process of following my own path now or if I'm still following the path someone's been pointing me to. Is someone else there pushing all the buttons? Am I just a puppet?

Am I going mad? Yes. Definately. My PARENTS are back. I should be happy. I should be very, very happy. So I will. Family time anybody? Yes. It's not often we get a beautiful day and it's not often they're off work to enjoy it. I should be grateful for what I have....because the world is a risky place and if you don't appreciate something whilst it's there, then the world will break you once it's gone. I think this entire situation has highlighted that for me, now more than ever.

I'm not sure who's reading this, but if you are I can be contacted here: angie2382@gmail.com I don't know what's going on and I'm not very good at any of this, I'm hoping they won't see it, but please, if you know anything or if you've heard from Berry, just tell me ok?

"delirium was the only solution to the strangulation that life had prepared for him."

Nothing and nothing and nothing. And more nothing. I haven't slept since I got Dad's letter. I haven't eaten or moved from this one spot. I feel ill. I should probably go and eat something, it'll probably make me feel better. Then I should try and make some sort of sense of all this. But I don't know if I can. Berry hasn't shown up yet. He hasn't even sent me a message or made a call. The network can't be down again. It's beautiful outside. So beautiful. It's the type of weather that lulls people into a false sense of security. They go outside to take in some sun and then they choke to death.

I think I'll go eat.

why me. why now. why.

Oh God.

I've never understood how, in a matter of seconds, your entire life can change. I mean, thats how it happens in the movies, but it's always seemed to me a particularly unrealistic idea. I would have thought that to dramatically change someone's life to point of certain doom or life or death you'd need at least a good hour. Or a couple of minutes anyway, seconds seems far too brief.

My father's gone. My mother hasn't come home so I can only assume she's gone too. I don't know where or why or how. And all I have is a letter from my father and cryptic page of notes in his handwriting and someone elses. The only person I know who could possibly help me is Berry......if you're reading this, please, turn on your comm or cme over here or something. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do.

I'm frightened.

"He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream, too!"

I've slept. I feel better. I was more exhausted than I thought. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I guess it's partially because of Mum and Dads hours. I only get to see them at certain times and I hate to miss it. I like my parents. We've never really had one of those angsty teenage phases where we love and hate eachother at the same time. We just sort of co-exist. We love eachother, no doubt and despite not seeing eachother all the time, we're a close family. Closer than some anyway.

I've been thinking a little about what happened earlier and I think I must have been imagining things. Maybe it was the heat? On foggy days like these things tend to get a bit muggy. The air is heavier than usual, even if it is artificially pumped in through AC units. I always feel sluggish on days like this, but never to the point where I've had hallucinations. But there's a first time for everything! It's almost time for Mum to get home. There's an hour between when she gets home and when Dad starts, so we usually fit dinner in then. Mum said she'd bring something with her, normally I cook. I like to cook and it means we can spend that time as a family. I haven't heard from either of them today. Funny, I haven't seen Dad all day either. I kind of assumed he was up on the roof with the Cacti, making trouble. But no, doesn't look like it. Our house keys, which we keep on us at all times (it's a swipe card, they can use it to identify you aswell....means you don't have to carry around a drivers licence IF you can drive. I can't. Seems pointless really, what with the whole "go outside too often and die" thing. Excuse my pessimism) have small chips in there, that mean you can monitor where members of the household are, IF they're inside the building. So, I can see if Mum is down in the gym. Or if Dad is up on the roof. Mum's offline, obviously, but Dad should be. Unless he's gone out, though I can't imagine why. Dad doesn't venture out much aside from work. Mum's a regular social butterfly, but Dad, well, I'm a little more like Dad. I prefer to keep to myself, do my own thing. I meet up with my friends every so often, obviously, but they respect that thats the way I am, so they never feel neglected.

These chips mean I can send messages down to whatever floor their on through the intercom system. Or send direct messages to their Comm devices. Their not personalised or anything, though I've heard you can write your own in some buildings. Ours is a little older, so we can only send things like "Dinners Ready!", "Where are you?" (that one's always seemed a little redundant to me..) and "What are you doing?" And the responses are just as bad. We usually stick to our Comms for getting in touch with eachother. But the home system is good if the networks down, which happens alot in our building and in most places, the gas tends to rustle up some sort of interference when it makes it's appearence.

I got a letter today, I'd almost forgot. I don't get mail often. Sometimes from Berry, but only if it's something that can't be emailed or uploaded. This doesn't look like it's from him though. I'll let you know if turns out to be something exciting...